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Keep Going

Updated: Jan 16, 2022

Warning: This post is about suicide prevention.  It's important to talk about.

This time of year can be hard. Combination effects from shorter daylight hours, the cold, and the holidays. The holidays are not holly and jolly for many. Especially those who are dealing with anxiety, depression, grief,  loneliness, and sadness. I understand because I was dealing with all of those feelings once and sometimes those feelings come back. Not so much these days because I've done a lot of work to put myself back together after a mental breakdown the day after Christmas 2016. That's the day I spent being evaluated at a mental hospital because I didn't think I was going to make  it after I broke off an engagement the day before on Christmas day. Then 2017 was the year where everything I knew fell apart around me.

My mental breakdown was partnered with the Universe testing my resilience through removal of major things I defined myself through: a  romantic relationship with "step" children involved, a house I moved from Philly to NJ to buy with said Ex, a 9 year employer, a yoga teacher training,  and a car. I even  had scabies the week I lost my job, so at one of my lowest moments I was sitting naked sobbing, covered in scabies-be-gone, in my bedroom in a house that I was renting with 3 strangers (because at that moment in time I was so raw that I didn't feel safe living alone)- I felt like Job from the Bible.

My heart was broken and was overflowing with grief, I was a complete shell of a human.  I honestly must be Divinely protected because I took some serious risks while grieving which included copious amounts of alcohol, cigarettes and my shadow coming out to play in not very gracious ways. I had many nights where I drank myself to blackout sleep, I spent most time at home alone wallowing in food, alcohol, nicotine and grief. Many nights I sobbed my heart out asking for help, I would cry to the stars in the sky. I would ask for the pain to stop, for it to go away. I couldn't take it anymore,  it hurt so fucking bad. Somehow I just kept going, each day another step forward.

I leaned heavily on mental health talk therapy recommended from the mental hospital visit,  best friend therapy,  big brother therapy, sister therapy, nature therapy, time with kids therapy, play therapy,  laughter therapy,  purposefully putting myself in discomfort by facing the places that once triggered me therapy, embracing my shadow self therapy, healing my abusive/disfunctional childhood wounds therapy, dancing therapy,  moving my body therapy,  singing therapy,  crying therapy,  writing therapy, sharing my story therapy,  and the cherry on top: learning how to live Yoga through a month long Living Yoga Training at an Yogaville in 2017 (after I lost my job, before I lost my car) followed by 3 years of Comprehensive Yoga Therapy Training at YogaLife Institute (inspired by my time at the Ashram). 

Through all of that,  5 years later: I've lived by myself for the past 2 years, I became a Certified Yoga Therapist in June,  my talk therapist basically graduated me from her services July 2021, I  serve the community through providing private in home childcare for 2 families,  I independently teach virtual group hatha yoga classes and offer virtual private Yoga Therapy sessions,  I have been purposefully single for 2 years. I have been free from cigarettes for 2 years. I drink only on occasion and limit how much I consume. I am basically a different person from the one I just described earlier.

I am happy,  I love myself,  I now prefer my own company, I understand that nourishing myself on all levels (body, energy,  senses/emotions,  intellect/intuition and Spirit) is necessary for living a life in alignment with my Highest Self, I know that I have a spark of the Divine within me and I know that you do too. I went through my darkness to find my light. Yoga principles were a huge part of my healing journey, so I share them and my story to inspire others who may be in the dark.

I'm here to say to whoever is reading this, if you are in the dark: keep going,  we need you to heal. That way when you make it through to the other side you can make the world better in only the way that you uniquely can. Through your darkness you will find your light.

You are not alone. 

You are loved more than you know.

If you don't feel safe go to a best friend or close family member who you feel safe around. If you have no one go to a mental hospital,  an emergency room, call a suicide emergency hotline. Tell someone what is happening. Holding it in makes it fester. Get it out, share, seek support,  you are worthy,  you are important. 

If you or someone you know is struggling:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 24/7


If you or someone you know is interested in learning more about Yoga Therapy as a concurrent mode of therapy, alongside classic mental health therapies, to assist in living a stable healthy life please reach out directly.


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