Updated: Jan 16, 2022
I’ve been having a lot of feelings these past couple days. Most of them are centered around old scripts due to being raised in an environment where I was always told there was something wrong with me. I have a deep wound, which was revealed over the past 5 years or so, stemming from my creation story.
Please note this story is extremely vulnerable.
I found out that my biological parents met while each being treated for mental health issues at a clinic. They were basically 2 strangers who met and created me. My bio dad was extremely ill and violent when unmedicated. I stopped visitation with him at about 4 years old because of his aggression and violence. My mom was extremely ill but to my knowledge was never diagnosed (she is also in complete denial and has little self awareness) and I was raised by a very angry woman who yelled, screamed, threatened and physically took her anger out on my sister and I. She met who I call my father when I was 5. He was a very loving person until I started to become independent and voiced my various opinions about how I saw the world (which was very different from how he saw the world) and he became cold, distant, and removed his affection from about the time I was 12 years old. Both of my parents were very controlling and treated me as if I was mentally ill because of how sick my birth father was. They told everyone around me that I was definitely mentally ill because of my inability to regulate my emotions. Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with how I was being raised. They took me to many therapists as a teenager who all didn't diagnose me with any mental illness, but when the therapists attempted to address the unhealthy dynamics in my family my parents just moved me on to the next therapist. That went on till I left my parents home at 17 and never went back.
My old scripts: there is something wrong with me, of course I’m alone during a pandemic because I don’t deserve to be in a relationship or have children because I am defective….yadayadayada, tears are streaming and the list goes on…
Basically I’m sharing this because of the impact it can have on a child to be treated as if there is something inherently wrong with them. Even my religion as a child, Roman Catholicism, was one of a vengeful god and going to hell to burn for all eternity if I didn’t do exactly what they told me to do. I spent years staring at a bleeding man on a cross with adults telling me that I came into this world with darkness on my soul so I better repent and pay a lot of money to cleanse my soul.
I then spent my adult life studying psychology, child development and spirituality so that I could “fix” myself. Come to realize now- that there was nothing wrong with me, nor anything to fix. I was born whole and pure. I was a product of my environment. I was born to broken people and I was malfunctioning because of what I was surrounded with daily. I now nurture myself on the daily, surround myself in beauty, have been in talk therapy for years, choose my friendships wisely, draw healthy boundaries around myself, remove those who emotionally abuse/manipulate me or others, and remove people from my life who aren’t willing to do the work to become aware through the work of self-study/self-care. I do this because I couldn’t do it as a kid. I do this because I have now tapped into a divine wisdom which allows me to trust my inner guidance system. What happened to me as a kid was wrong. I lost the connection to my spirit. The mistreatment in my childhood was denied by those who perpetrated the abuse for so long- but I know now it wasn’t me- it was them, I was an innocent child. They were mistreating me because somewhere along the line they were mistreated. It’s a vicious cycle. I am not angry, nor holding on to some vengeful plan, I am embracing my story- not allowing it to define me but embracing all the parts of it- even the ugliness. Truth is just that- truth.
I haven’t been an angel in my life by any means, it’s been a long road of fuck ups that has led me to who I am today. I’m sharing this because part of my life’s purpose is to advocate for the children. Both the children in the present and the inner children that live within us all. What would you say to your inner child who feels unheard, afraid, and sad? How will you love and nurture that child so that you can go into the world and interact with others from a heart led space? When you do the work to heal the wounds from your childhood- you will then become empowered, strong and the embodiment of resilience. When you do this work you sure as fuck won’t ever allow another child to be mistreated and you will become an advocate for the innocent as well. This work isn’t easy, it requires accountability, vulnerability, forgiveness, acceptance and the ability to sit with raw emotions. Through the darkness you will find the light. I share this story because something much bigger then me is telling me to write it.
The song I’m singing in the video is part of a song by Jewel called “I’m Sensitive.” I found Jewel’s 1st album when I was 15 years old and the songs on the album had a huge impact on me. I don't own the rights to the song. This song inspired a bit of the writing and that is why I'm sharing it.