Updated: Jan 16, 2022
I had a panic attack today. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve had one of those. Today’s was different from how they used to happen, not so severe, but as the emotions began to well up I cried and had a tightness in my throat. This panic attack was triggered during my Yoga Therapy training. It happened when we were told we would need to engage in a role play exercise where we each were to pretend to be a pregnant woman and another student would be our therapist for a pregnancy issue, it was a pre-natal/postnatal training day. When all of the feelings rose up I had to privately message the teacher to explain my discomfort and bow out of the exercise. I’m lucky to be in a trauma informed environment and felt safe enough to speak up about my issue. Clearly I am having some unresolved feelings rise. On one hand- I am single, unattached to children or a partner and can do whatever I want whenever I want. I have no one to “answer to” in my life, not even a pet. On the other hand- this can be a very lonely existence. It can make me question my path when I look around and see a very typical- relationship, child, family example of how to live a life. Most of the people in my life have children. I work with children and have professionally for almost 20 years. However, I don’t think at this point in my life, a month away from 41, that I will ever be a mother. I don’t have a burning desire, I would never do it alone and I have a bunch of other reasons for not having children. Yet also- there is a well of sadness in knowing that I will never feel a life growing inside me. I will never do what females were built to do. It is what it is, this is my path. I am a full believer in having chosen this type of life for a reason and each thing I encounter is a lesson for growth. However- it doesn’t make the lessons any less difficult to maneuver. I share this because in order to heal wounds we must bring the darkness into the light- this is the work. Thanks for letting me share.