An open letter to the Father who raised me:
Thank you for the opportunities you provided for me during this life. My most recent interaction with you inspired this letter. The life education that you have given me in this incarnation tapped me into the knowledge early on that I needed to heal from my childhood trauma wounds so that I wouldn't perpetuate the cycle of disfunction in the world. I did everything in my power to make sure that I would always be a safe adult for any child that I interacted with. I learned that the environment I grew up in was less than ideal for emotional, mental and spiritual health. I learned that it was harmful to my psyche as a child to be screamed at, smacked, threatened, lied to, ignored and punished through removal of affection/communication. I was a witness to and victim of physical and emotional abuse and that is the truth. I learned that being overbearingly controled as a child left me with no true sense of who I was. I own my story. It took me from age 17, when I left your home, to age 41 to gain stable ground and build a sturdy foundation underneath myself. It was quite a messy, uncomfortable, and scary process because I had no parental and few familial examples of what healthy love was. When I left home at 17 I was blessed to be able to gain a bachelor's degree in Psychology. I then spent 13 years in the mental health field and learned how to safely care for, discipline, guide and support children in their development. I learned how to assist in emotional regulation with calmness and communication with love. I learned how to let kids be kids and foster a safe environment for their growth. I learned how to be the adult I wish I had when I was little and had lots of feelings that were denied and told were wrong by the adults around me. I learned how damaging it was to my authentic expression as a human to have been lied to, shamed and guilt tripped during my childhood brain development years. I wrecked dozens of intimate relationships and friendships in my 20's and 30's. I fell apart several times during those years and wanted to kill myself more than once. I drank and smoked like a fish for many years because I didn't really love myself, always feeling inherently like something was wrong with me. I purposefully decided to dig deep and spent years in talk therapy and practicing/studying yoga philosophy and lifestyle principles. These two things, along with my time working with children, gave me the tools to be a better human. Step by step along the way I learned how to love myself, accept myself, to sit with my feelings, heal my deepest wounds, and to forgive myself for all the things I did before I understood what this life has given me and why it all had to be this way. Due to all the work of self love, self acceptance and self study- I now know who I really am deep in the core of my being. I am a being of Divine love sent here to make the world a more loving, and conscious place. I now understand why I needed to experience that specific childhood and relationship with you in order for my soul's evolution. I was blessed with the realization that I am to use my story as inspiration for others to do their own healing work. I live each day with love and truth as my guiding virtues, basking in gratitude for the gift of learning and growing through this life. I realize that you are who you are because of what you went through as a child. I learned how to have compassion for you. I learned how to forgive you. This forgiveness and realization, however, doesn't mean that I will allow anyone who is not doing the work to be a better adult human being into my life. You are consistently judgmental, accusatory in a passive aggressive manner, gaslighting and attempt to place a guilt trip on me for unrealistic expectations of who you think I should be or who you think I am whenever we interact. I am no longer a child without say in regards to my environment and who's energy is around me. I have worked hard to transmute anger, resentment and past hurts within myself to a wiser state of existing and no longer tolerate that type of behavior to be projected on me from anyone in my life. I am deserving of being treated with respect, kindness, compassion, love and will tolerate no less. I hope that one day you heal your inner child wounds and allow yourself to feel the feelings in order to integrate the lessons and ultimately let the pain go. I hope you realize that I do love you and I am grateful for all you have given me and taught me. It wasn't all bad. I just cannot allow someone who intentionally attempts to hurt me into my life. Until the day you drop disfunction communication /interactions and truly start to do some self reflection we will have no further interaction. I accept you for who you are.... a 71 year old man who admittedly has only 3 loving relationships/friendships. That fact has nothing to do with me and 100% to do with how you choose to show up in the world. If you want different results, then you need to make a conscious decision to do better and be better. You need to learn how to love yourself and embrace all that has led you to where and who you are now and stop blaming everyone else for how your life turned out. You are the creator of your own reality. I wish you love and healing. I'm here when you are ready to put down the sword.
Sincerely,
Your Daughter
Sincerely,
Your Daughter