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Love In My Lungs

Updated: Jan 16, 2022

During the 2020 Shutdown I started writing openly in longer blogs about my traumatic childhood and dysfunctional family dynamics, this is a new addition to that series of writing.

Ages 0-17 were the formative years of my development which shaped the human that I am today. My business name, Blissful Butterfly Yoga, is a reference to the evolution of my life’s journey through the gushy smushy caterpillar stages and the flighted free flowing butterfly stages that accompanied me along the way. All the work that I put in on healing myself and becoming a blissful butterfly ultimately supports my dream of making the world a better place in my own special way. I share openly because one of the things that assisted me with healing the wounds of my early years was bringing them into the light and owning my story. As I share I spread inspiration for others to do the work to heal themselves from their past traumas- we will heal the world by first healing ourselves. I trust that this finds whoever it is meant to.

Pictured here: photo 1 circa 1990 age 10 years, photos 2 circa 1993 age 13 years old. One of the things that shaped me in childhood was the tradition of Christmas, and so the winter holiday time of year brings up a lot for me. From the outside looking in perhaps it appeared to some that I had a wonderful childhood life. Physically I was provided for and privileged. Christmas time was filled with lots of gifts in my house as seen pictured here. I was given a lot of toys, electronics, games, clothes, you name it I had it. Both of my parents worked very hard to support the family financially and I was reminded of that constantly. My catholic/private education, my gifts/things/stuff, and my home was all held over my head like I owed my parents for the life they provided for me. Christmas was bittersweet as a child because it was one thinly veiled so-called beautiful day with family followed by many more not so beautiful days with family feeling stuck in a madhouse with zero control because I was a child, confused about why I was experiencing all of the pain and just wanting it to stop if there really was a God. The core of the relationship with my parents was founded on fear instilled in me through: threats, lies, angry emotional outbursts of the adults in my life leading to said threats and/or corporal punishment, witnessing of physical/emotional abuse of my siblings, removal of affection/things/social privileges, tough love punishment, control, denial of my feelings, and invalidation of my experiences. Christmas became a sham in my eyes when I was in my 20s and 30s because of all of this.

The so -called holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ the son of God, gave me a lot of things/stuff which led me to attachment to the physical and looped me into a false sense of security around things and stuff that sat on a foundation of feeling as if I always needed more and that there was never enough. It did nothing for my spiritual development and in fact moved me further away from my spirituality. Along with the outside appearance of “a good life” I watched the soul sucking nature of debt by growing up in a home with arguments around money because of the drive for things and stuff. The gifted items always came with reminders of how much I owed my parental creators for the gift of my life, and how at any point, because they brought me into the world, they could take me out of it if I didn’t act how they wanted me to. I was brainwashed into needing things and stuff to feel a sense of false happiness which led to many years of wounding to unwind and core beliefs to transform.

Anther reason I share details of my story is so that people begin to understand the importance of how children are treated. I am a walking example of how I’ve carried childhood wounding with me through my life. I am also a walking example of consciously healing it along the way. Imagine if each individual did the work to love and heal themselves from their physical/energetic/emotional/mental/spiritual childhood wounds. Wounds left festering lead to early adulthood wounds, still festering can lead to middle aged wounds, late aged wounds and those wounds then wound many of the relationships in their wake. This is how generational trauma moves in the dark when not addressed… If we each did the work to look at the way we think, speak and act, noticing if it’s from a place of brokenness from the past and if so consciously choosing to feel it in order to heal it so that we can move more from a place of love instead of fear, we could quite possibly have a world where we stop spreading our shattered hearts and start spreading our expansive ones instead. Pushing things down into the darkness further makes it worse, a wound you carry with you forever. We see this in our individual and collective past. Instead of hiding, healing invites you to shine light on your past and wrap your journey in loving kindness and compassion. Healing invites you to learn lessons from personal and collective histories in order to then make choices in alignment with the laws of nature and the “highest good for all” mentality. This is how you evolve as a human being and we evolve as a race of beings. Any one can start this journey at any time, the sooner you begin the better.

I healed through 2 main avenues:

Ave #1: I earned a BA in Psychology right out of High School thanks to my brother, his best friend, student loans, my work ethic and, no doubt, Divine assistance. Then worked with children on the autism spectrum for 13 years and learned through application in the field: applied behavioral analysis, and relationship based therapeutic interventions mainly with children ages 3-6 years old. I learned how to meet children where they are at, build solid relationships with them and support them in socializing, communicating and playing. I also learned how to just be with them while having big emotions and assist them with healthy processing/communication of such emotions. This gave me the foundation of learning how to be the safe adult I needed as a child. I swore as a child to never perpetuate that which was done to me. This is why my time with most children I interact with is quite magical- I respect them as little developing humans with big feelings that need loving kindness, compassion, understanding, support, patience and safe boundaries. I treat them as unique drops of starshine and release any expectations of who they should be and allow them to be who they are- safely and lovingly so that they can grow up to be the best human possible. I currently give back through personalized child care and am brainstorming ideas on how to bring these skills to a wider audience as a support system for parents in need.

Ave #2: Through Classical Yoga Philosophy lifestyle principles and studying myself under a comprehensive lens I learned how to extricate myself from the noise in my mind and learned how to nourish myself on all levels so that I could flourish in life. My Yoga Therapy certification program was “Comprehensive Yoga Therapy” meaning it looks at the entire person according to Yoga philosophy which encompasses humans as physical, energetic, emotional, mental, and spiritual beings. I do this with myself so that I can then teach others how to do this for themselves in ways that resonate with them and their journey through virtual Yoga Therapy sessions, philosophy enriched group hatha Yoga classes, and in the works- monthly and quarterly virtual safe sharing circles with people who need to be seen, heard and supported on their journey.

I’ve luckily been blessed through resilience and have able to mend the disfunction of my childhood and turn the lessons learned into wisdom. I share with the world so that everything that I went through as a child wasn’t for no nothing. It was for the specific reason of being a catalyst for my healing and the light I shine to make the world a better place through my services and shares. I share the raw messiness of transformation and the importance of doing the deep work. I share to inspire anyone who reads this, who perhaps has some healing of their own to do and a desire to live a more conscious life.

Maybe as you read this you have children and want some insight into how to do things differently from how your parents did it. Maybe you don’t have children but need to heal for yourself and for everyone else in your life. Maybe you put yourself on the back burner long enough and your soul is crying for attention through stress and anxiety. Know that wherever you are at in your journey it is never too late to heal your past. Perhaps you are old. Perhaps you are young. Perhaps you are tall. Perhaps you are short. Perhaps you are fat. Perhaps you are thin. Perhaps you are a democrat. Perhaps you are a republican. Perhaps you are Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim or any other religion. Perhaps your skin color is white, black, tan, yellow or any shade in between. Perhaps you went to college. Perhaps you never graduated high school. Perhaps you have certain anatomical parts or others. Perhaps you have one sexual preference or another. Perhaps you are rich or poor. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…. None of these things really matter when it comes to living a life that is meaningful, these labels are simply that- labels and not who you are at the core of your being. Because of the wounding of our past, the false sense of stability fed to us through materialistic culture and the divisive labeling of differences many humans have no idea who they really are and get lost in the rat race of life, losing the sacredness of their soul’s journey here.

What matters in this life is how we show up for ourselves and others. The work that we put in to recover from our past peels away layers of false identification with ourselves as just physical bodies, pleasure centers and separate Ego mechanical beings sent here to work and die. The layers of illusion released open our hearts and inherent remembering of our interconnectedness with everything and everyone around us. We were sent here to do great things, each and every one of us was sent here for a reason, the way we figure out that reason is through doing the internal work, it has nothing to do with external status of our lives and everything to do with internal status of our minds and hearts.

The remembering of our true nature is how we will create a brighter future for generations to come and restore the health of Earth founded in love, truth and acceptance. The evolution of the species begins by individually being present in the moment, moving through the world with loving kindness and compassion, owning your shit, speaking your truth, and practicing gratitude for the ride. When we love and accept ourselves then we will naturally love and accept others instead of spewing bigotry and hatred. Our differences are what make us uniquely beautiful individually and collectively. It is time that we start to do better as a whole. It starts by individually healing our deepest wounds so that we can connect with our light inside and move from a space of love instead of fear. We only get one shot at this specific life with this specific physical/energetic/emotional/mental body history- what do you want to do with yours?

With my life I want to align all parts of my being optimally so that I can connect with my eternal Spirit body, the part of me that is connected to you and to all that is. I want to create a world where children don’t need to recover from their childhoods. I want to do this by living under a foundational code of loving kindness and compassion for all. This is ultimately what it means to live Yoga and has been transformative in my understanding of who I am as a human being, here on this planet spinning through the Universe, with stardust in my eyes and love in my lungs. My wish is for you to embrace your uniqueness too through disciplined self-love/self-acceptance of who you are, where you came from, and trust that once you do that everything else will slowly fall into place and it will all start to make sense.

Apply patience and persistence in abundance along the way. Seek knowledge that is true and practice discernment with your source. Know above all else- you are not alone. Should my story or any services I offer resonate with you please don’t hesitate to reach out directly If you made it this far- thank you for reading and thank you for letting me share.

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